All Different Ways You Can Style a ‘Classic White Shirt’
August 22, 2023
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Love is often described as transformative. At its best, it expands you, softens you, and helps you grow into a fuller version of who you already are. But not all love feels that way. Sometimes, quietly and without warning, love begins to shrink you.
You still care deeply. You may even say you’re happy. Yet somewhere along the way, pieces of you start disappearing. Your voice gets quieter. Your needs feel inconvenient. Your world begins revolving around keeping the relationship intact rather than keeping yourself whole.
This is not a dramatic collapse. It is a slow erosion. And it happens to more people than we like to admit.
Losing yourself rarely starts with sacrifice that feels wrong. It starts with compromise that feels reasonable.
You adjust your schedule. You soften your opinions. You let certain things slide because love is about understanding, right? Over time, those adjustments become habits. And habits become identity.
You may stop doing things that once lit you up because they don’t fit into your partner’s life. You may stop expressing discomfort because it leads to tension. You may stop asking for emotional support because you don’t want to seem “too much”.
None of this happens overnight. That’s why it’s so easy to miss.
Every relationship requires compromise. But compromise has boundaries.
Healthy compromise:
Self-abandonment, on the other hand, looks like:
When love requires you to disappear in order to survive, it is no longer healthy.
Many people assume that if love is present, harm cannot be. That’s a myth. Love can exist alongside emotional erosion.
Here are some subtle but powerful signs:
You hesitate before speaking, constantly editing yourself
You feel responsible for their moods and reactions
You no longer recognise your priorities
You feel anxious when doing things independently
You measure your worth by how needed you are
These are not signs of devotion. They are signs of disconnection from self.
This pattern is especially common among emotionally intelligent, empathetic people.
If you are someone who:
…you are more likely to over-give.
You may believe love means endurance. That loyalty means staying quiet. That being “understanding” means minimising your own pain. Over time, empathy without boundaries turns into self-erasure.
Fear plays a larger role than we often acknowledge.
Fear of abandonment
Fear of conflict
Fear of being seen as difficult
Fear of starting over
These fears can keep you locked in a version of love where you survive instead of thrive. You may tell yourself things like:
“This is just how relationships are.”
“At least they’re not abusive.”
“No relationship is perfect.”
While these statements can be true, they can also become excuses that keep you disconnected from yourself.
Love should not constantly feel like emotional labour.
When you are losing yourself, love begins to feel:
You may notice that you feel more relaxed when your partner isn’t around. Or that you feel tension returning the moment you reconnect. These emotional cues matter. They are information, not betrayal.
One of the most painful parts of losing yourself in love is grieving a version of you that still exists — but feels far away.
You might miss:
And yet, you may feel guilty for missing yourself, as if choosing selfhood means choosing against love. This internal conflict keeps many people stuck longer than they should be.
You can love someone deeply and still be hurting yourself by staying.
Love alone is not a measure of health.
Commitment alone is not a measure of alignment.
Time invested is not a reason to stay disconnected from yourself.
Choosing yourself does not erase love. It simply acknowledges that love without selfhood is not sustainable.
Not every situation requires immediate separation. Sometimes, awareness is the first step.
Start by asking yourself:
Begin small. Reclaim space gently. Observe how your partner responds when you assert boundaries. Healthy relationships adjust. Unhealthy ones resist.
If your attempt to reconnect with yourself is met with:
…that information is important.
Boundaries are not ultimatums. They are clarity. Anyone who benefits from your self-abandonment will likely feel threatened when you stop doing it.
Instead of asking:
“Do I love them enough to stay?”
Ask:
“Can I be fully myself and still be loved here?”
This question cuts through fear, loyalty, and habit. It brings you back to truth.
You are not selfish for wanting to be seen.
You are not dramatic for needing space.
You are not ungrateful for wanting reciprocity.
You are not broken for outgrowing a dynamic.
Love that requires you to disappear is not love that will sustain you long-term.
The goal is not to choose between love and self.
The goal is to choose a love that allows you to remain whole.
And if that love cannot exist where you are, then choosing yourself is not a loss.
It is a return.
Click on here “Boundaries Without Guilt: Choosing Yourself Without Becoming ‘Cold’”
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